NICU

How can you hurt so much for someone that you've only know a few days? Years ago I don't know that I would have believed that you could love at first sight, but the moment I laid eyes on little Ryder I fell in love.

Adoption is a rollercoaster with many risks, almost all unknown, until you have fallen in love with your child. When Ryder was born he looked like a healthy boy weighing a solid 8lb 7oz. He passed his hearing test, he was doing all the things he should be doing. After a great first few hours with him and his birth mom we headed to the nursery to let him sleep. We thought we might want a couple last nights of sleep...

On Saturday when we arrived we knew something was not quite right. The doctor noticed elevated symptoms that were showing signs of withdrawal. It was pretty early to be showing these signs as they usually show up 48-72 hours after birth, it hadn't even been 24. At first they were going to let us take him out of the nursery...but decided it would be okay.

We had a room where we got to hold and love him. Family got to come see him and most importantly Emme was able to come hold her little brother. She fell in love. It was amazing to see her instant love for him. It is difficult to explain to any two year old what having a brother or sister might be like, but especially when it happens overnight! She held him and quickly became very possessive of him. She wanted to be sitting in the chair holding him, not sitting next to him, but actually holding him. When others attempted to hold him she would cry and say "my Ryder". She loves her little brother.

Ryder awake and read for the RSL game

Emme loving her little brother!

Ryder had a good day, a few tremors, and his muscles were tight be we were hopeful. He was eating really well and so we prayed and hoped that he would be coming home. We watched the RSL soccer game, visited with friends and family, and just loved on Ryder. It was a wonderful day.

About 9 pm we took him back to the nursery so they could monitor him and we could get some sleep. We were really hopeful that we would be bringing him home in the morning or at least by late afternoon.

I hadn't been sleeping well and since it was likely my last chance to get some good sleep I decided to take a sleeping pill. Brandon didn't sleep well and went out on the couch. When I woke up at 4 am (see not sleeping well) I noticed I had a message on my phone. It was from the hospital that they had moved Ryder into the NICU because he had been really agitated and was scoring above a ten.

Tears rolling down my face as I felt completely helpless. We needed and wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible but it was early. I sent some text looking for someone to help with Emme. We talked to Brandon's dad who was going to meet us at the hospital to give Ryder a blessing.

Side note...we have lived in our house less than a year but have made some great friends and have wonderful neighbors. I am so blessed that I felt comfortable to call neighbors in the very early morning to see if we could bring Emme by. The love and support and willingness to help has meant so much to us. Emme went to Jessica's and my brother left Ogden to come and get her.

Emme loves her cousins so she has been happy spending the last couple days with Ryan's family. Eli would love to adopt Emme, he asks if it is okay to adopt her again. He said we are adopting Ryder so they can adopt Emme! I am glad that she is so happy. Makes it much easier to be here knowing she is well taken care of.

...going back
So Brandon and Steve gave little Ryder a beautiful blessing, I felt an extreme amount of peace but know our little monkey has a long road ahead. It made me reflect on how blessed we are to have the gospel in our lives. To know of the power of the priesthood and power of prayer. To know that our Savior knows our pain and will provide comfort during difficult times.

It makes me so grateful, that for whatever reason, Danuell decided she wanted to deliver in Utah. I can't imagine going through this without family close by in hospitals that are unfamiliar without our support system. For that this is a blessing to be just 30 or so minutes away from the hospital...that is if it would stop snowing!

Ryder is having some test done to see what his withdrawal is from, we are anxious to find out so that the doctors know how to help him be more comfortable. It will also allow us to do some learning about how best to help him after he is home so that he can have the best development possible. I am grateful for nurses, doctors, and medicine. I am grateful that they can help Ryder be comfortable as he begins his little life.

Ryder loves to be held, it is one of the best ways to comfort babies that are withdrawing. I can't complain, holding him for hours on end isn't a bad way to spend my day. He had a pretty good Sunday. Most of the day his scores hovered right about ten. That meant the medicine was working and he was comfortable. He had a rough 1.5 hours right before he was to get another does of meds. They are giving him phenobarbital every 12 hours. They were hopeful this would be enough because he can go home on that. After getting another round at 5:30 Sunday night he calmed down again.

In fact he calmed so much when his grandparents were here it was hard to tell anything was wrong. He was even relaxing his muscles for the first time. They scored him a 12 right before we left and said that if he scored above a 10 one more time they would have to start morphine. We really didn't want his to happen.

At 1:15am we got the phone call that they would have to start morphine because he was scoring in the high teens and had not fallen asleep since we left. Poor little monkey, it just isn't fair that he has to suffer so much so young. I know this will make him strong.

They started morphine and will continue to give him pheno. The morphine happens as needed right now, he had his second does at 4:30am and pheno at 5:30am. When I got to the hospital just before 7 he was sleeping. He has been sleeping since.

It has been really hard for me because I just want to hold him, but I know I can't disturb his sleep. He needs it after being awake all night. As soon as he wakes up I will feed him and hold him. Then he can just sleep in my arms...

Thank you to everyone that has sent us texts, FB posts, called, given us boy clothes, offered to help, and have helped. I never knew how much those things mattered, but being in a hospital room all day is long; especially a dark hospital room with no noise. I told Brandon it was the longest shortest day...I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it felt. The support is so helpful. It keeps me occupied and gives me strength. It is nice to have others praying for your and your family. Please keep praying for little Ryder. I know he is strong and I can't wait to take him home. Pray for Emme that she will feel loved and be able to handle the changes. Thank you are not adequate words to express our gratitude but it is all I have right now. So thank you and we love you all.

The Twists and Turns of Adoption

First I must say, social media has some amazing benefits. Just moments after posting that we were headed to Florida and were looking for a place to stay we had tons of help. We found a photographer, a place to stay, money to help with food/gas while in Florida, a babysitter, flights offered…we were so humbled by all of the kindness shown to us. Thank you to those of you that shared our status, contacted friends and family. It means so much to have so many people reach out to us.

After spending the next several days figuring out work schedules, packing bags, buying some clothes, getting out car seats, setting up cribs etc. we waited for a phone call that Danuell was going into labor. Day after day we waited, prayed, and waited.

Then the text that surprised us all…Danuell has decided to come to Utah deliver. “What, they will let her fly?” I was confused and worried but excited that we wouldn’t have to travel. When I called Brandon, he was happy, but also a little sad we wouldn’t get a vacation on the beach!

Danuell came with her nephew Billy and arrived on December 5^th about 11:00 pm. She was taken straight to Jordan Valley Hospital.

Friday morning while on a field trip with my little first graders, I got a text that she was moving fast. Anxious and excited I waited, it wasn’t long after that I heard little Ryder had been born. He was born at 9:47 on December 6^th, 2013.  Ryder Gene is 8lb 7oz, 20 inches long. He is a very handsome little guy.

 

Danuell, Ryder, and Us

 

Brandon, Courtney, Danuell, Billy & Ryder

 

 

 

Our handsome little man

 

Family Picture, Emme is in love.

We came to the hospital about 6pm to meet Danuell and baby Ryder. It was the most amazing couple of hours as we sat and talked with Danuell and Billy. Danuell is an amazing women. She told us about her pregnancy with Ryder, he wasn’t always nice, doing lots of kicking in the ribs, punching, and causing her tons of heartburn. She told us more about her growing up years in Florida. She grew up riding 4 wheelers, barrel racing, riding horses, and growing up on the farm. We were amazed by her strength, her attitude, her desire to provide for her little girl, and this little man and make the best for all of them.

I can’t wait to tell Ryder about her strength and her love for him. The more we are around adoption the more I know that adoption is about love. The tremendous amount of love that a birth mom has for a child and their intense desire to provide a better situation for the child to be raised in. We know of the enormous responsibility and privilege we have to care for this little guy.

Danuell doesn’t love Utah, you might even go to say she hates Utah weather so she was anxious to get back to the warm and sunny Florida. She is a trooper, she was discharged Friday night so she could go sleep in a comfy bed… a hotel bed…or at least more comfortable than a hospital bed!

We were so grateful for the couple hours we got to spend with her, Billy, and Ryder. It was a pleasure to get to know her. We left with hugs and tears as she entrusted her sweet little boy into our arms. She gave us something we cannot give ourselves…a family. We love you Danuell and have the most respect for her.

Saturday morning before leaving on her flight she signed the necessary paperwork for us to adopt little Ryder. We are blessed.

 

Sometimes fighting with pictures on blogs isn't worth it! :) These are not in any order!

Grandma and Grandpa K

 

Grandma Susie

Papa Steve

 

 

 

Adoption: A Roller Coaster Ride

 

Our next roller coaster ride...

Building our family through adoption wasn’t what we envisioned when we got married and talked about having a family. Yet, it has been a wonderful blessing. Although, it is like being on a large roller coaster with more hills, turns, twists, and loops than we could have imagined, it is a thrilling ride with an amazing forever family in the end.

Since March when we had a placement fall through we have been a little apprehensive to jump on the ride again. The past two months we have started to fully put our hearts back on the line with adoptions. We found a couple of different agencies that we could put our profile on in hopes to find another little one to join our forever family.

Most recently we looked into Heart and Soul, from a recommendation from a friend. Thanks Nan J! I was surprised at just how many birth moms they were working with. In just a few short weeks we had a number of opportunities to look at birth moms.

Just a few of the lessons learned. ..

Our intense desire to build our family makes it difficult to determine the difference between your emotions and answers to prayers.  A few weeks ago we had the opportunity to talk with a wonderful birth mom, who wanted meet us to see if we she wanted to match. We began praying. After praying for a few days and trying to decide what we thought, we would wait to see if she selected us. We showed our profile, she selected us, we talked on the phone, and then what happened next was something I would have never expected.

I looked at Brandon and we just looked at each other, disappointed. We don’t know why but we both knew it wasn’t right. I wanted it to be right, I prayed begging Heavenly Father for a it to be right, we wanted another child, but I just knew I wasn't getting a yes answer. It wasn’t shouting no, but it wasn’t shouting yes either. Brandon then shared a scripture that he had read as he had been praying and reading about our situation.

D & C 9: 8-9 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought…

So we went on faith, and this scripture that this child was meant in some other home. It was hard, devastating for me, how long until another birth mom would pick us. If the following weeks, three or four other birth mothers came, we didn’t feel the burning and so we waited…

The roller coaster…

Then we had one, the burning heart, the excitement, the prayers, just to find out another family was selected. I was a bit angry, why would Heavenly Father let me have that burning bosom feeling and then not have the birth mom select us. I cried, I yelled, I prayed, and then I listened. ..

I was on a business trip at the time, so I had some alone time, and I spent much of it on my knees, trying to understand. I walked away with…okay, I learned the difference from the burning of the bosom and the stupor or thought.  And I put my faith back in Heavenly Father and waited.

We had a couple other stupor of thought days, and then today, on National Adoption Day…we had a burning of the bosom.

It started with an email at 7:30 on the 22^nd of November. Would we be interested in showing our profile. As I read about the birth mom, D, I felt a warm calm feeling come over me. I shared the email with Brandon and he immediately said, show our profile. The day went on…hard to concentrate…and soon we had the phone call to answer a few questions. We were told we will have an answer for you first thing in the morning.

The longest night, I didn’t sleep, thank goodness for Hallmark Christmas Movies! Emme woke up, totally unusually for her, and I got to hold and cuddle her for a couple of hours as she slept in my arms. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think straight, and my heart was burning. I checked my phone all morning looking for emails, texts, or a phone call. After I couldn’t wait any longer I texted our case worker.

“You have been matched, it’s official” I just cried, tears running down my checks. I called Brandon who had just left for work. The greatest peace came over me. And then the realization that we have a lot to do! J So here are the details of our match.

The birth mom,  D, lives in Florida. She is due December 2^nd, but is dilated to a two, and was sent home from labor and delivery on Thursday. So in realty she could deliver any day. She doesn’t know what she is having because the baby wouldn’t show things in the ultra sound, so it will be a surprise. Florida adoption laws are birth mom can sign papers 72 hours after birth. (Utah is 24 hours) and then we have to wait 7-10 days for some clearance from the state. So we will spend those days in Florida.

I am not exactly sure how that will look for us yet, we aren’t sure if we will both go the entire time, if we will bring Emme or not. We are going to call on some members in the area to see if anyone can help us out, because staying in a hotel for nearly three weeks doesn’t sound like much fun!

So now, we just wait for the phone call that she is going into labor, then we find a flight and get to Florida! Then we wait and pray that the adoption happens.

Like all adoptions, although this birth mom is wanting to place, it is a difficult decision that they must make. It is the most selfless act a birth mother can do, place their child in our arms, to trust us enough to raise it. We hope and prayer that she will continue to have the strength to place this little one in our family; knowing we will do everything in our power to care and love this child. To give this child all the experiences one might have during life. To play with them, love them, educate them, parent them, and most of all, let them know that they have so many people, including their birth mom, that loves them dearly.

We look forward to this opportunity and hope to be bringing home the best Christmas present, a new baby to join our forever family. Please pray for us, for birth mommy, and for the baby that it will be born healthy.

The ride continues, we will post updates as we get them.

A birth mom giving us something we can't give ourselves...a family. Thank you. Adoption is amazing.

Jelly Butter

One of Emme's favorite snacks is Jelly Butter. We are never sure where she comes up with how she decides to call things. Ever since she started asking for jelly butter that has been the name. It doesn't seem to matter that we call it a peanut butter and jelly or PB&J, Emme will always call it Jelly Butter.

It is perfect, she is perfect. We love all of her talking. She is so good at expressing herself and we love it! Thanks Emme for all of the good times!

Play Dough

I love when we have calm time at home and we can just play! One of Emme's favorite things to do is play with play dough. She loves to makes balls and pull them apart. She loves when you make animals for her and then she talks to them, and makes them talk to each other.

Here are some of our latest animals...

Elephant

Giraffe

Lion

Snake

Octopus

Planes

"Plane in the sky" "Hi Plane"

Emme is in love with planes. Every time she hears or sees a plane she tells us they are in the sky. She tells the people on the plane hi. So when the Disney Movie Planes came out we knew we had to take her.

She loved it! It was nice we were 3 of about 10 people in the theater. She cheered for Dusty the entire time. "Go Dusty, Go!"

Picking Veggies

Harvest Time

Grandpa John was showing Ava & Emme how to pick carrots. They were a big help except for the fact they pulled up all the carrots...ready or not! Non the less it was lots of fun to have cousins back in town and time to play.

That's a tough carrot!

Emme and Grandpa John

Cleaning

Gathering Carrots

Me and My buddy Carter

 

 

Birthday Fun

Emme turned 2! I can't believe that it has been two years already. The best two years, we have loved every minute of it...laughs, smiles, books, songs, diapers, late nights, early mornings, feedings, most of all fun, fun, fun!

On our way to the Zoo

For Emme's birthday we went to the Zoo, one of Emme's favorite places. Then we went swimming at Grandma K's house with her cousins. She had a fun time, although a little overwhelmed at times. Around 4 she stopped acting like herself and was just calm and wanted to be held. She was a bit needy. We felt bad but couldn't put our finger on what was causing it until later. She broke out with a high fever and then sores in her mouth. We soon discovered she had "Hand, Foot, Mouth". Poor girl no way to spend your birthday. Luckily she had felt good most of the day!

She loves the tot-tub

Present Time

When you asked Emme what she wanted for her birthday she said, "cake".
Her aunt Jen found a "cake" for her. She has had hours of fun playing with it.

 

 

Cousins and Cake

Enjoying every bite

Emme's two year measurements

She is a tall, tall girl. Her doctor told us that if she continues growing at this rate she will pass us up in about 5th grade. I guess it is important to note that we are only 5' 4", but still pretty tall! She currently expects her to be between 5' 11' and 6' 2"!
Emme: 36.5 inches tall (she grew 3.5 inches from her 18 month appointment) & 30 pounds.

Emme's favorites during the last year...

Books. She loves reading them, having them read to her, or listening to them on the B-pad (AKA I-Pad)

Bikes. She loves her kick bike and riding with her friend Callie. She also loves riding in the trailer for longer bike rides with mom and dad.

BB. She loves her BB (Binky). Starting in July we started only letting her have it when she was sleeping. Sometimes she wants it so she goes and sits on her bed and sucks on it for a few minutes, puts it back and comes and plays.

Food. Emme is a great eater, and loves most anything. We wondered why it seemed like she was always eating. If you grow 3.5 inches in 6 months you would eat a lot too! The doctor said as long as it is good food let her eat. She loves, avocados, black beans, chicken, pork, carrots, bananas, apples, yogurt, cereal, and salsa. She will anything off mom's plate and nothing off of dads. She love to drink milk or water, but nothing else. He has had her try lemonade, juice, and a sips of his pop and she hates it! We think that is why she won't ever have a bite if Brandon gives it to and has stopped trying any thing that isn't milk or water. Guess that isn't so bad!

Elmo. Emme loved Elmo this past year. She knows it is at the end of Sesame Street. She can find the Netflix app on the BPad, find her show, and move the timing bar to the end so she can watch Elmo's World. Elmo has been a great friend when I want to get the dishes done or the some other cleaning.

Friends. Emme loves friends and kids. She will play with anyone and would prefer to be with others than by herself. We are grateful that in our new neighborhood there are lots of kids to play with. She loves playing with her cousins and is sad if we go to Grandma & Grandpa's house and the rest of the family isn't coming.

ABs: Emme loves to sing her ABCs, she calls them her ABs. She has mastered singing them and recently can identify most of her letters. It is so fun to see her learning and growing.

Here are some of her two year pictures that we had taken.

 

We love you sweet girl. You have been an answer to prayers. Can't imagine life without you. We pray for you everyday. We pray that your birth mommy will know we love her selfless act of love. She loves you too Emme K. Can't wait for another amazing year.