Adoption is a rollercoaster with many risks, almost all unknown, until you have fallen in love with your child. When Ryder was born he looked like a healthy boy weighing a solid 8lb 7oz. He passed his hearing test, he was doing all the things he should be doing. After a great first few hours with him and his birth mom we headed to the nursery to let him sleep. We thought we might want a couple last nights of sleep...
On Saturday when we arrived we knew something was not quite right. The doctor noticed elevated symptoms that were showing signs of withdrawal. It was pretty early to be showing these signs as they usually show up 48-72 hours after birth, it hadn't even been 24. At first they were going to let us take him out of the nursery...but decided it would be okay.
We had a room where we got to hold and love him. Family got to come see him and most importantly Emme was able to come hold her little brother. She fell in love. It was amazing to see her instant love for him. It is difficult to explain to any two year old what having a brother or sister might be like, but especially when it happens overnight! She held him and quickly became very possessive of him. She wanted to be sitting in the chair holding him, not sitting next to him, but actually holding him. When others attempted to hold him she would cry and say "my Ryder". She loves her little brother.
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| Ryder awake and read for the RSL game |
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| Emme loving her little brother! |
Ryder had a good day, a few tremors, and his muscles were tight be we were hopeful. He was eating really well and so we prayed and hoped that he would be coming home. We watched the RSL soccer game, visited with friends and family, and just loved on Ryder. It was a wonderful day.
About 9 pm we took him back to the nursery so they could monitor him and we could get some sleep. We were really hopeful that we would be bringing him home in the morning or at least by late afternoon.
I hadn't been sleeping well and since it was likely my last chance to get some good sleep I decided to take a sleeping pill. Brandon didn't sleep well and went out on the couch. When I woke up at 4 am (see not sleeping well) I noticed I had a message on my phone. It was from the hospital that they had moved Ryder into the NICU because he had been really agitated and was scoring above a ten.
Tears rolling down my face as I felt completely helpless. We needed and wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible but it was early. I sent some text looking for someone to help with Emme. We talked to Brandon's dad who was going to meet us at the hospital to give Ryder a blessing.
Side note...we have lived in our house less than a year but have made some great friends and have wonderful neighbors. I am so blessed that I felt comfortable to call neighbors in the very early morning to see if we could bring Emme by. The love and support and willingness to help has meant so much to us. Emme went to Jessica's and my brother left Ogden to come and get her.
Emme loves her cousins so she has been happy spending the last couple days with Ryan's family. Eli would love to adopt Emme, he asks if it is okay to adopt her again. He said we are adopting Ryder so they can adopt Emme! I am glad that she is so happy. Makes it much easier to be here knowing she is well taken care of.
...going back
So Brandon and Steve gave little Ryder a beautiful blessing, I felt an extreme amount of peace but know our little monkey has a long road ahead. It made me reflect on how blessed we are to have the gospel in our lives. To know of the power of the priesthood and power of prayer. To know that our Savior knows our pain and will provide comfort during difficult times.
It makes me so grateful, that for whatever reason, Danuell decided she wanted to deliver in Utah. I can't imagine going through this without family close by in hospitals that are unfamiliar without our support system. For that this is a blessing to be just 30 or so minutes away from the hospital...that is if it would stop snowing!
Ryder is having some test done to see what his withdrawal is from, we are anxious to find out so that the doctors know how to help him be more comfortable. It will also allow us to do some learning about how best to help him after he is home so that he can have the best development possible. I am grateful for nurses, doctors, and medicine. I am grateful that they can help Ryder be comfortable as he begins his little life.
Ryder loves to be held, it is one of the best ways to comfort babies that are withdrawing. I can't complain, holding him for hours on end isn't a bad way to spend my day. He had a pretty good Sunday. Most of the day his scores hovered right about ten. That meant the medicine was working and he was comfortable. He had a rough 1.5 hours right before he was to get another does of meds. They are giving him phenobarbital every 12 hours. They were hopeful this would be enough because he can go home on that. After getting another round at 5:30 Sunday night he calmed down again.
In fact he calmed so much when his grandparents were here it was hard to tell anything was wrong. He was even relaxing his muscles for the first time. They scored him a 12 right before we left and said that if he scored above a 10 one more time they would have to start morphine. We really didn't want his to happen.
At 1:15am we got the phone call that they would have to start morphine because he was scoring in the high teens and had not fallen asleep since we left. Poor little monkey, it just isn't fair that he has to suffer so much so young. I know this will make him strong.
They started morphine and will continue to give him pheno. The morphine happens as needed right now, he had his second does at 4:30am and pheno at 5:30am. When I got to the hospital just before 7 he was sleeping. He has been sleeping since.
It has been really hard for me because I just want to hold him, but I know I can't disturb his sleep. He needs it after being awake all night. As soon as he wakes up I will feed him and hold him. Then he can just sleep in my arms...
Thank you to everyone that has sent us texts, FB posts, called, given us boy clothes, offered to help, and have helped. I never knew how much those things mattered, but being in a hospital room all day is long; especially a dark hospital room with no noise. I told Brandon it was the longest shortest day...I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it felt. The support is so helpful. It keeps me occupied and gives me strength. It is nice to have others praying for your and your family. Please keep praying for little Ryder. I know he is strong and I can't wait to take him home. Pray for Emme that she will feel loved and be able to handle the changes. Thank you are not adequate words to express our gratitude but it is all I have right now. So thank you and we love you all.
